i tutor fatima (2nd grader) and ibrahim (3rd grader) every friday, 30 min. each. man, these two are the most difficult students i've ever had to teach in my life. since they both have learning disabilites, you have to be really really really patient with them. like ibrahim will ask you a question and as soon as you're about to answer him, he'll start reading from his book; or fatima will have trouble reading a word and you'll review it with her for 3 min. until she tells you that she gets it...but she really doesn't. *trembling anger* it goes even further than this. you see, they NEVER listen to what i tell them to do. "fatima, we need to study right now." "ibrahim, can you go get your sister right now, please?!" i was so convinced that they hated me b/c they'll do anything to lag or avoid studying with me.

but...

on friday, as soon as i was about to leave, fatima held her arms out for a hug. so i hugged her. "bye, phil." "bye, fatima." and that simple act made me forget about every discouragement i've ever had with her. *sigh* tricky kids.



i want you SO bad!

Thought of the Day: Undermine.
Song of the Day: Mobb Deep-Burn

dinko816 (12:14:07 AM): in light of current events



dang, freshmen retreat. that was seriously one of the most memorable moments of my freshmen year. i remember the sunday after that retreat, we all exchanged screennames and cell phone numbers with each other. who would've known that 2 days would produce so many wonderful relationships. only God knew.



right now, i'm watching the korean drama, Full House, with Song Hye Gyo and Bi. in today's episode, there was a scene where they fell asleep on each other's heads while watching a very nice view of the sunset at the beach. i'm no lover-boy but i have to admit that it was a pretty romantic scene. in fact, it gave me that "i wish i had a girlfriend" feeling.

in every relationship, a girl wants to see romance coming from the guy. korean dramas overdo it. zenia lusts after it. movies portray it all the time. but i'm not bashing romance at all. actually, my point is that we desire these things b/c it is in fact a very beautiful thing for a man and woman to show their love for each other through "romantic" words and actions. but goodness, if romance is as good as it appears and feels, how much more pleasurable and blissful will our eternal marriage with Christ be? i don't think this is limited to just relationships or marriage. imagine every pleasure that the world has to offer. every pleasure is just a glimpse of what God has in store for us one day. even if i can't marry Song Hye Gyo or drive Bi's car, i have assurance that i will have something infinitely better in heaven.

Hosea 2:19-20: I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the Lord.

what are our idols compared to God?

Thought of the Day: Indulgence.
Song of the Day: Matt Redman-Nothing But The Blood

snowboarding seems to be THE THING to do in college. i never really thought much about it til the whole world was shocked that i had never gone in my life. *shrug* i had opportunities to go every winter but i wasn't willing to spend or learn. i mean, just how fun could snowboarding be, right? you attach yourself to a piece of board and throw yourself off a mountain. long story short-i went snowboarding on wednesday cause it was cheap and andrew was willing to teach me. the good news is that i learned fairly quick and had a VERY good time. the bad news is that my body is sorer than Mr. Sore who lives on Sore St. ugh, i love it. if you haven't gone, you're definitely missing out. i know i was.

first day of class...

professor: well since it's Zero Week, there should be Zero work. bye guys.
class: (cheering).

i wish every week was Zero Week.

you have always been there to listen to me. whenever i was sad, i could freely express myself to you. whenever i was angry, i could vent and you wouldn't complain. you were there for many of my personal moments and memories. you don't care about my image or what i write about. you find no shame in showing pictures of my friends to the world. there were moments where i really needed you but you weren't available...but i forgive you. afterall, you're the one always reminding me how finite and inconsistent i am. i can tell you about anything in the world. thank you for the wonderful memories that you create and store. happy 3rd anniversary...i love you, blog.

Thought of the Day: Full House is SO good.
Song of the Day: Foo Fighters-Up In Arms

Thought of the Day: TOE!
Song of the Day: Foo Fighters-All My Life

i've driven up and down california alot ever since i became a college student. the first few times were really difficult but you slowly get used to them. i feel like you go through alot in every car ride. you can go through phases of jokes, songs, games, stories, and hunger. another way to look at a car ride is through phases of emotion-bored, annoyed, excited, sad, scared, happy, etc. some car rides are faster than others, some are more enjoyable than others, and sometimes accidents may even occur. i feel like car rides are often similar to what we experience in one year...like 2004:

-lots and lots of hold'em
-stressful beefs
-accountability w/jay
-paraguay training
-crashing at sunshine's
-LOVEFEST!!!
-new cell phone
-balling at san marco
-paraguay
-serving as an officer
-meeting aaron chung
-sleeping/studying with edu
-becoming good friends with doe and zen
-starting up pool again
-the officers' meeting when pastor told us he was leaving
-the "last officers' meeting"
-flat tires
-the awesome summer part-time job
-longing for the CAVE
-moving into San Leon
-charity dinner in la
-full metal alchemist & azumanga
-riverside thursdays
-yg summer retreat
-"password" at pastor's
-biola
-third day & foo fighters
-billy graham crusade
-super x-mas land
-best gpa qtr
-last night's brazilian bbq with chang

2004 was such a good car ride. all glory to God.

Thought of the Day: 2:30pm
Song of the Day: Super Mario's Sleigh Ride OC Remix

it's official. Foo Fighters is the greatest secular band that God has created thus far. right now, it's 1:30am and my brother just got out of bed to watch the concert dvd for the third time. i really don't know why i didn't appreciate them until this past month. i think their power comes from their performances. (shaking head) true rockers. haha. i can feel zenia rolling her eyes already.

i really miss so. cal. in fact, i am so excited that i will be driving down tomorrow. you don't know how good it feels to hear people wanting you to come back. i seriously feel like my face brightens up even when just chatting with them online. i miss the warm so. cal winter, the ghetto mexican food, and of course, my church. man, homesick just from being away for less than a week. i guess that just makes your arrival that much sweeter. maybe that's what heaven will be like. as you suffer more and more for Christ in this short-lived world, heaven will taste that much sweeter forever...

I'M ALMOST HOME, BABY!

Thought of the Day: Jealous Devils.
Song of the Day: Foo Fighters-Generator

me: it's so boring w/o simon home.
mom: then you can spend time with mom!

i feel like i learned so much about my mom yesterday. we actually did get to spend a lot of time together. haha. whenever i sit down and talk with my mom, she always likes to give me "christian advice." i really like that about my mom. even though it's stuff that i already know, just the fact that she chooses to give me "christian advice" really encourages me. my mom is seriously the godliest ahjumah i know. she seriously can't stop talking about church and how good God has been to her even through the hardships in our family. we talked about alotta things today. in fact, i finally had the guts to ask her if she was reformed or not. of course i didn't ask her, "mom, are you reformed or what?" i mean, i don't even know how to say "reformed" in korean! anyways, we talked about calvinism and stuff and basically she was telling me how she found comfort in the fact that her own son shared in the same doctrine as she did. i think iii found more comfort in that than she did. =D

but the craziest thing i learned about my mom was that she is in better physical shape than me! you see, my mom is an exercise-aholic. she used to work out so much that sometimes my dad would get mad at her. there'd be times where she'd go to the gym twice in one day! i think she really likes that endorphin feeling or something. but anyways, after our lil talk she really wanted me to go walking/jogging with her on this one trail up in Hillcrest. i know she wanted me to join her real bad so i agreed to go. haha man...she was crazy happy, jumping off the walls like a lil girl.

so we're like speed walking for a few minutes and she asks me if i could speed up (i guess i was holding her back or something). then she asks me if i wanna start jogging, so we jogged for about a mile and i was dying. the whole time, i kept telling myself that mom CANNOT pass me up. not only am i her son, but i'm also supposed to be youthful and energetic. whenever i looked back, she was RIGHT behind me! haha she looked so funny with her huge orange sweater and her quick little feet. so cute. but what killed me was on the way back. she was crazy power walking up these steep hills! i literally could not keep up with her. in fact, i had to ask her if we could just take it easy. (shaking head) humbled by my 49 year old mom.

a random thought crossed my mind today. i think after my mom passes away, these will be the memories that i will remember of her. yesterday, i was so miserable cause i was bored out of my mind with my brother on his retreat. but today, i thank God for giving me the time i spent with mom.

Thought of the Day: Merry X-mas Eve!
Song of the Day: Vanilla Ice-Ice Ice Baby

i've caught the bug...

Ten Random Things About Me:
10. For my kindergarten graduation, i was the only student eating the food while all the kids were playing with each other.
9. I was insanely in love with dinosaurs during my childhood.
8. I used to think that the word, "fob," was slang for "gangster."
7. The first "real" song i ever liked was Green Day's "Basket Case" in 4th grade.
6. Growing up I used to be really insecure about having an abnormally large butt.
5. I stopped believing in Santa after my dad wrote "From Santa Clausause" on one of my gifts.
4. I used to hate whoppers b/c i thought they had too many vegetables.
3. The meanest thing I've ever done in my life was beat up my brother for cussing at me and forcing him to do the Bloody Mary thing until she came out.
2. I have this recurring nightmare where I'm moving really fast while lying down on railroad tracks, and some scary evil monster is laughing and coming after this angelic princess who's crying.
1. When I was 10, i used to think that i was really mature for my age b/c i wasn't disgusted by the kissing in tv/movies.

Nine Places I've Visited:
9. Oh~Pilseung Korea!
8. Tahoe.
7. Reno.
6. Vegas, Baby, Vegas!
5. Grand Canyon.
4. Mexico.
3. NYC.
2. Cornell.
1. Paraguay.

Eight Things I Want To Do Before I Die:
8. Be able to pray in korean.
7. Watch and read all of the classics i never made time for.
6. Play Canon perfectly.
5. Go to the symphony with my dad.
4. See at least one of my non-christian friends accept Christ.
3. Have a six-pack (don't laugh!).
2. Wear a 40's gangster suit.
1. See my family with absoulutely no financial burden.

Seven Ways To Win My Heart:
7. BANGS!
6. Shoot pool really well.
5. Teachable.
4. Fluent.
3. Classical Piano.
2. Make me laugh.
1. Love Christ more than me.

Six Things I Believe In:
6. There is nothing wrong with girls hinting at guys that they are interested in them.
5. TULIP.
4. 99% of women should not be allowed to drive.
3. The Cave of Godly Women.
2. Christ is the answer to every single movie.
1. My mom is better than your mom.

Five Things I'm Afraid Of:
5. The thought of my brother dying before me.
4. Losing body parts.
3. Cockroaches.
2. Physical persecution (being burned, buried, eaten alive).
1. The idea of rape. The only people who deserved to be raped are those who rape others.

Four Songs On My Mind:
4. Foo Fighters-All My Life.
3. Modest Mouse-The Ocean Breathes Salty.
2. Modest Mouse-The World At Large.
1. As One-Last Christmas.

Three Things I Touch Everyday:
3. Cell Phone.
2. Bible.
1. Glasses.

Two Things I Am Trying Not To Do Right Now:
2. Go pee.
1. Lust.

One Person I Want To See Right Now:
1. Foo Fighters Concert dv...i mean dinko.


Thought of the Day: Sinners leading sinners.
Song of the Day: As One-Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree Alternative Mix

college group and em have finally merged and pastor dennis is no longer at cpc. we had a banquet dedicated to him on friday where i had high hopes in seeing him cry like a baby. man, that guy has too much pride. he wouldn't even shed ONE tear for me!



i think crying is a funny thing. we cry when we are broken, sad, happy, scared, or sometimes when we're just laughing too hard. you can only cry when you have so much emotion that your heart can't handle it. all of those feelings are manifested in tears and an ugly face. i have NEVER cried in a korean drama or any type of movie in my life. there has never been a secular book or song that has moved me to tears before. there are only three things that can make phil cry:

1. death of a loved one.

i've been to three funerals in my life. obviously, i'll mourn for a loss in my life. seeing/hearing other people cry makes me want to cry too. i feel their pain and can't help but sympathize. i guess this one's a no brainer.

2. guilt of my sin(s).

i hate my sinful nature. i believe that Christ lived and died for me so that i can have a life of righteousness. but no matter how much i believe this truth, i still sin. when your life is so full of sin, you cannot be happy. it opposes our calling to be children of light. the most miserable person in the world is the christian who does not live like one. when i realize that my life is overwhelmed with sin, i will cry.

3. God's love.

whenever i am really reminded of God's faithfulness and grace, tears are inevitable. i am reminded through the Bible, prayer, and songs. the reason for this is because those three things are Gospel-centered. when i remember Christ, i cry thankful tears.


i wish i could cry everyday. i wish i could remember the depths of my sins, but even the greaters depths of God's love...daily. but i guess even these things are not possible in the sinful nature. we are indeed a creation that is prone to forget. if you ever see me crying, praise God because it is just another moment where God is reminding me of what i always forget...

the mistakes I've made
that caused pain
I could have done without
all my selfish thought
all my pride
the things I hide
you have forgot about
they're all behind you
they'll never find you
they're on the ocean floor
your sins are forgotten
they're on the bottom
of the ocean floor
my misdeeds
all my greed
all the things that haunt me now
they're not a pretty sight to see
but they're wiped away
by a mighty, mighty wave
a mighty, mighty wave
your sins are erased
and they are no more
they're out on the ocean floor
take them away
to return no more
take them away
to the ocean floor

these words made me cry today.

Thought of the Day: "Big-Stylez Eddie"
Song of the Day: Audio Adrenaline-Ocean Floor

i think i'm stressed out about finals. last night, i kept tossing in my sleep and whenever i kept waking up, i'd always have the words, "dorsolateral" and "ventromedial" stuck in my head. but for sure, i know i'm not alone on this one. today, i went to psych final review (my first one ever!) and there were a gang of students. during the session, people were so impatient and desperate for help with the study guide. everyone kept interrupting each other and you'd hear people sighing and grunting about different questions and comments. like the girl next to me was the worst. i can't tell you how many "oh my god!"'s and "you should know that!"'s i heard from her. she wouldn't yell or anything but she'd whisper really loud, you know? haha. it was so funny cause this old lady in our class is notorious for asking alotta no-brainer questions and blurting out wrong answers out of no where in lecture. well today, since it was a final review, she was going all crazy and so many students would yell across the room, "can we move on?!" =D the girl next to me was dying. i really really felt sorry for the TA today.

but yeah, this is definitely one of the hardest courses i've ever taken. cognitive neuroscience. upper division is really difficult. man, today's final review was so intense. but i do find comfort in the fact that i'm not alone with the anxiety.

last night:

got the other eugene to shoot pool with me for 2 hours but couldn't get him to watch Poolhall Junkies with me.

today:

failed to get to him shoot pool again.

i think God wants me to study tonight.

Thought of the Day: Can we move on?
Song of the Day: Foo Fighters-All My Life

well, it's finals week again. one final tomorrow and three on thursday. i'm usually the diligent type when it comes to studying. i'll get all my stuff done when i have to and make myself study at school when necessary. BUT! when it comes to finals week, i'm a totally different person. it's like transforming from Hyde to Dr. Jekyll. i like to use finals week as a time to catch up on anime and movies or blog a lil more than i usually do. on top of that, i like to distract others who are trying to concentrate with their stressful studies. i'll do whatever it takes to get the job done. studying is always a last resort. explanation? i don't have one either.

so far today...

1. finished Samurai Champloo.
2. started Bleach.
3. grocery shopping.
4. finished wrapping x-mas gifts.
5. convinced the other eugene to watch Interview With A Vampire with me in 30 min.

anthropology can definitely wait.

Thought of the Day: Shameful.
Song of the Day: Celine Dion-O Holy Night

Looney Tunes had a few cartoons where the dog or some character would be frozen blue in the snow and they'd be taken to a fireplace to warm up. their body would go from an icy blue to a warm red-ish orange color as if all of the cold was melting away. that's how i feel whenever i take a nice hot shower these days. particularly today, my feet must have been a few degrees colder than the rest of my body cause they were melting with pain as soon as they touched the steaming water. i've really grown to hate cold weather ever since i moved down to sunny southern california. my tolerance for the cold has lowered as my body has adapted to embracing the hot hot sun. haha. it still boggles my mind how it can still be SO sunny in the month of december! (shaking head). only in california.

today after evening worship service, a few of us went out to eat at Coco's for dinner. we were talking about how so. cal people have a problem of not leaving so. cal becaue they're too comfortable with where they are. as dinkas nicely put it, "if they leave so. cal, they'll die!" it's so true how nobody likes change. cpc hung its head in sadness when pastor told us that he was leaving this month. my brother always complains about how skinny i got or how i'm so old and boring now. i stopped hanging out with many people who i used to consider my friends because they're not the same people who they used to be. change forces us to leave our comfort zones.

this past thanksgiving break, i got a chance to do a lot of talking and thinking about my future plans. it slowly dawned on me that i am already a junior in college and that i'll be graduating in less than two years. before coming to college, i had planned to go study and live in korea for a few years after graduation. well, as graduation nears closer and closer, i was thinking about my original plans of going to korea after college. the more i thought about it, the more i didn't want to follow through. i thought about all of the discomforts and struggles i'd have to face. coming back to the states would involve another difficult transition with work and finances too. besides, an unexpected masters degree in education became a very favorable option after graduation.

like i said, i did a lot of talking and thinking back at home...and i mean ALOT. basically, i've come to the decision that i am going to follow through with my Korea plan. i am going to study korean, teach english, learn the culture, and experience life in korea for at least two years. i never realized that my greatest fear this whole time was CHANGE. i am afraid of change. i am afraid of the different. i am afraid of the unknown. and b/c i feel that this fear appears much greater than it actually is, it is a fear that i am going to overcome. for the longest time, i was so blinded by the cons that i completely forgot about the pros. i have to remember that change has its value as well. there can be long-term growth and fruit from change. i am always reminded of pastor dennis' experience with going from youth group to college group. a difficult beginning that resulted in so much blessing. i am certain that he can testify.

the Looney Tunes dog went from a very cold and frozen state to a very warm and vivacious body. i may experience some painful melting, but one day i will awaken and realize that i needed that change to become alive. besides, i have nothing to lose. Romans 8:28-And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Thought of the Day: Unexpected to.
Song of the Day: O Holy Night

8:30pm-6:15am: Irvine to Chattsworth to Cupertino to other side of Cupertino to Antioch to Burlingame. i had to fill up three times. i don't think i've ever driven so much in my life. as unhealthy as it is, my car is SO faithful! God is faithful.



thanks to dinko, i've been listening to a lot of Third Day these days. i never really liked them much in high school except for maybe "God of Wonders." it isn't until recently that i started to appreciate their lyrics. that was probably the only reason why i went to the Billy Graham Crusade on saturday.

i remember when Billy Graham came to San Francisco back in '97. i was just a 7th grader and i really didn't know any better. when Billy did the altar call thing, i remember seeing almost the whole yg going down to "accept Christ." i remember just sitting at my seat not knowing what to do. later, one of my friends told me to hurry up and come down so that people could pray for me. *shrug* they gave me a book, tape, tract, and the gospel. i think along with the pressure, i went down "just in case" i wasn't saved. man, i've come a long way since then.

these days, i've been feeling really dry with reading and praying. it's been pretty burdensome for me to do quiet times even though i do them consistently. but today, i was reading through Romans 8 and was taken aback by the last verse of the chapter: "...nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." i think it's amazing how NO sin can separate us from God's love. no matter how much we abuse grace (every single day), there is nothing that can keep us away from Christ's work on the cross. like i always say, with so much sin there is always so much more grace! i'm reminded of the common expression: "once saved, always saved." freakin' profound.

just like seven years ago, Dr. Graham had the altar call and there were masses of people going down to the field. i'm sure there were many who are already saved but just lacked assurance. as discouraged as i was, i tried to look at the good things of that night. i'm sure God uses those altar calls to really bring people to Christ too. and besides, singing "Your Love Oh Lord" with Third Day and the thousands of people was really cool. there were many moments where i'd just stand there and look around the packed stadium. so many christians. so many ages. so many ethnic groups. so many different backgrounds. all praising God. just a tiny glimpse of heaven...

Revelation 7:9-10-"After this I looked and there before me was a great mulititude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. And they cried out in a loud voice: "Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb.""

Thought of the Day: Starting over.
Song of the Day: Third Day-Thief

The Story of Phykas and Dinkas...





it still boggles my mind today. dinko and i are friends. how did this happen? i mean, the two of us weren't too fond of each other in the beginning. i really didn't have a good first impression of him. during friday night bible studies, i'd always think to myself: who is that guy? why does he talk so much? who does he think he is?

it made me really upset how he never greeted me either. i was also shocked when i found out that he was a freshmen just like me. but he talks so openly and so much in front of everyone! freshmen don't act like that! who does he think he is?!

i'd always hear about how he used to be some gangster too. he used to be some badboy but he was different now. i totally couldn't see it. he was just some annoying guy with a dumb nickname to me. but thinking about it now, i think our pasts actually brought us together. at the time, if there was one person who i felt could relate to me, it was dinkas. pretty sad huh? i was really desperate for ANY kind of accountability...and lo and behold, God led me to dinky-winky.

we're really different, him and i. as zenia likes to put it, he's Scarface and i'm Amadeus. he's more ghetto. i'm more koreanized. he snores. i wear earplugs. he takes forever to eat. i'm done in 5 min. he's small. i'm tall. he sins. i'm holy. just kidding.

isn't it crazy how two opposites can come together and become chingoos? only the fellowship of Christ can do that.

Pretzelboi96 (6:53:59 PM): man, this was just a good weekend
Pretzelboi96 (6:54:02 PM): good lovefest
Pretzelboi96 (6:54:05 PM): and good Sunday
Pretzelboi96 (6:54:12 PM): what more can anyone POSSIBLY ask for?
dinko816 (6:57:02 PM): heaven
dinko816 (6:57:05 PM): that's about it

Thought of the Day: Stupid auditory pathway!
Song of the Day: Third Day-Blind

half way into tuturing, jin wanted to show me a "funny" video. turned out that he actually meant a "fun" video cause with the whole korean translation blah blah blah. so he's into this japanese thing called, Pride. it's like Ultimate Fighting Championship but more sporty. a lot less chaotic and wild but nonetheless crazy violent. so we're watching this thing and he's explaining to me in his broken english how it's really big in japan and how certain fighters are better than others. as inhumane as it was, i have to admit that it was some entertaining crap.

i remember this one specific fight though. the first guy was this crazy, buff, mean-looking guy who was all pumped up and screaming at the audience. the second guy was this out of shape, nonchalant fellow who just lazily rose his hand at the crowd. just looking at the two, anyone would've put money on the first guy. the contrast was just so great. but 15 sec. into it, the second guy just punches the first guy in the face and he gets knocked out! and just like that, the guy who looked like a loser ended up becoming the winner. it's crazy when you see these fools who've been fighting each other for like 30 min., shaking hands and hugging each other after the fight.

is it wrong for two people to fight each other even if it's just for sport? people are entertained. champions are paid. fighters stay friends. is it still wrong if one commits violent acts w/o a sinful heart? isn't the heart the real issue anyways? is it wrong for me to enjoy watching these tournaments? haha. funny how they call it "Pride." i can't wait til the Dec. 31st Championship!

Thought of the Day: Pray.
Song of the Day: Relient K-Sadie Hawkins Dance

dago and fergman lovefested really hard last night. running on 3.5 hours of sleep.

Thought of the Day: Edu's free.
Song of the Day: Creed-One Last Breath

i went down to do my laundry but all of the machines were taken. actually, a lot of them were already done but people weren't taking their clothes out. so i waited for about 5 min., got too impatient, and left. on my way out, i saw a girl carrying her heavy laundry load to the laundry room. "SUCKER!" i thought to myself. well, i waited for another 10-15 min. and went back to see if any of the machines were available. when i walked into the room, the same girl was putting her clothes into two of the machines and another lady with a kid told me that she was going to use up the remaining four and wait for another one. who's the sucker now, right?

i carried my basket back to my apt and i've been sitting on my butt ever since. today is supposed to be one of those productive days-get my laundry done and get a GOOD amount of studying done before i take off for cerritos. (shaking head). not gonna happen.

so i was looking through some of the movies on my computer and started watching some clips of Jerry Maguire. man, this was when Renee Zellweger was pretty attractive. i really liked her look and her character in the movie. however, i feel like she just progressively got uglier and uglier after this movie.

she went from...



to...



see what i mean?

and then i was reminded of my favorite actress, Nicole Kidman. not only is she a talented actress but i felt that she was one of the better looking ones in Hollywood. however, she too went from Batman Forever...



to Stepford Wives...



if you look carefully, you can tell that she's getting older by the small wrinkles in her face. but what blew my mind was when i saw her face on tv. Botox ahoy! her face looked so stiff that she didn't even have any wrinkles when she smiled. really awkward...in fact, uglier.

today, we live in a society where beauty is demanding. i think it's really distracting for girls AND guys. girls are pressured to look "beautiful" and guys are in a constant fight against lusting after that "beautiful." the two only encourage each other.

not to bash on looking good or attractive. i think God intended for people to look beautiful. it's just that we either twist beauty into how society defines it or we become too infatuated with it.
Proverbs 31:30-Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
everyone's going to be ugly someday. but godliness is something we can aim to perfect until the day we die. this goes for girls AND guys.

i should go do my laundry.

Thought of the Day: Let the hearts of those seek the Lord rejoice!
Song of the Day: Notorious BIG-I Got A Story To Tell

i think xangas and blogs and aim are really interesting forms of communication. i don't know why but it had just occurred to me right now that the only way we can keep up with everyone's lives these days is to read their xangas or chat online. seriously, if you don't use your computer for like one week, you are totally MIA. you have no idea what's going on in this world and the world has no idea what's going on with you either.

i just finished my daily xanga reading for the day. so many different things going on in so many different lives. different stresses, joys, concerns, reflections, events, stories, and even pictures. it's really crazy if you think about it. i mean, imagine a world without online journals or instant messaging. imagine a world without computers. imagine if jesus had a sn and a xanga. what would his sn be? what would he blog about?

why do i think about such stupid things?

isn't it funny how God even planned these things to happen?

(shaking head). i am so random.



Thought of the Day: Regret.
Song of the Day: Jimmy Eat World-The World You Love

asian american psychology is my favorite class this quarter. our professor is this young indian american lady with a regular profession as an actual psychologist. so basically, she teaches our class as a side thing and i'm learning alot from her lectures. anyways, the only negative about this class is that it's one midterm and one final-both worth 50% of your grade (i really hate these). so i took my midterm on tuesday and did really bad on it...like really bad. it's not like i didn't study for it or anything. i just happened to study what WASN'T on the midterm. quite upsetting as you can imagine. anxiety.

i was walking to class today and as i was walking, the girl walking towards me called my name. jenny from the dorms! i found out that she was in the same class and she had actually dropped the course after bombing the midterm. so that just reminded me of how poorly i did on my test and made me feel even worse. anxiety.

before lecture even started, there was a good number of empty seats and a few students even going up to get their drop cards signed by the professor. so class starts and the professor is really quiet for a few minutes. absolute silence. then she goes...

professor: i first want to talk to you all about the midterm. many of you have come up to me and asked me about it with your anxiety attacks. i just want to remind you that there IS a curve. are there any questions?

and then students started asking different things about format this and format that and grading this and grading that. you could totally feel the discouragement in the room. i'm usually the type to finish tests early but this sucker had kept me the whole class time. i didn't even complete of one of the essay questions! apparently, i was not alone in my poor performance. it made me feel alot better cause i felt like everyone had done really well...kinda like my education midterm. =D less anxiety.

so what is my point? well, before i take any test i always ask God to remind me that test scores do not matter. what matters is the fact that i studied and that i learned. i try to remind myself that grades or gpa should not be my motivation for studying. i just have to try my best because that is what God desires of me.

on monday night, i studied pretty hard. i know i could've studied EVERYTHING but i made a decision to focus on specific things. on tuesday night, i bombed my midterm. even though i did terribly, i should have been content with my efforts. students of God, may we not only study with all of our efforts but also find joy and be content with them...even when we fail our Asian American Psychology midterm worth 50% of our grade.

bah, i'm going to be in heaven someday anyways!

Thought of the Day: Experiment for one week.
Song of the Day: Fat Boy Slim-Funk Soul Brother

two years ago from today, i woke up from a night of partying. i was reading a few of my old entries and i realized that there really was little or no mention of it. freshmen year, the months of november and december were months of depravity for me. i did alot of drinking and throwing up in the dorms. the crazy thing is that i knew i was leading a sinful lifestyle. i knew that my dormmates knew i was a christian. i knew so much but did so little to change. i remember those mornings after the parties, crying in my sinfulness as i sat reading Hebrews 12 or listening to "Worlds Apart." i've had some really broken mornings. i had never been so depressed in my life. but apparently, i loved my sin too much and i'd repeat this cycle week after week. (Romans 7).

we all have our personal sins that we struggle with. we pray our prayers of forgiveness and ask God to change us. it's tough. to change, that is. really tough.

i think that's what makes the Gospel so beautiful. it tells us that we are all dead in our sin and there is nothing we can do about it. but then there was grace. it is nothing that we do. it is only what God did. even after i write this entry, i know i will fail again in my fight of faith. i will regret sinning again. i will ask God for His forgiveness again. and i will fight and fail again and again and again.

but just as God was faithful in bringing me out of my sin two years ago, i know He will bring me out of the sins that i struggle with right now. what grace.



(man, what a "God picture").

Thought of the Day: Pejorative.
Song of the Day: Jimmy Eat World-Futures