i was never really a troublemaker growing up. i never talked during class, never hit other kids, and never cut in line. well, maybe not NEVER. there were very very few times where i got caught talking or making fun of someone by the teacher. i remember that every time i was sent outside to have a "timeout," i'd sit on the ground and put my hands between my legs where no one could see what my fingers were doing. i felt so much shame, stupidity, and guilt, but i knew that no one could see my fingers freely twirling on the ground. my hidden fingers symbolized how small and humble i felt, and i didn't want anybody to see it. absolute abashment. i guess it's similar to when Adam and Eve put on fig coverings and hid from God. they were ashamed of their nakedness and did not want to be seen, especially by God.

i think alot of times, we don't realize the depths of our own sins. too often, we are not ashamed or feel the need to repent of the slightest hint of evil. there are countless times where i have judged someone, caught myself in the act, said a mere sorry to God, and forgot about it. is this true repentance? or what about the contrary: overemphasizing our sins and forgetting about God's grace and forgiveness. i remember when i used to party alot, the next morning i'd be mourning for forgiveness all day until i had "felt bad enough." is this real repentance? what exactly is proper repentance? how do you hate your sin yet remember God's greater grace at the same time? how do you have balance so that you don't overemphasize one or the other? i guess even man's efforts to turn away from sin are imperfect. it's kind of like obeying the 4th commandment of keeping the Sabbath holy. no one will ever obey that commandment perfectly.

thank goodness for Christ...always.

prone to wander
Lord I feel it
prone to leave the God I love.

here's my heart, Lord
take and seal it
seal it for thy courts above.

Thought of the Day: Self-control.
Song of the Day: Lena Park-Beautiful You