today is Christmas Day. Christ+Mas = More Christ or Worship Christ. however, this isn't exactly the way i feel. last night, i went to the Christmas Eve service and i saw the adults doing their presentations with songs and videos. when i saw them get together and fellowship with one another, it made me very jealous. they were all so happy, eating dinner together, playing games, and exchanging gifts. they were having so much fun. and then i look at my family. my mom goes out with her friends to some other family's house and they have their fun. my dad's in korea. my brother and i just stay home and eat whatever's in the fridge. now, i'm not asking for a conversation full of pity but i just cannot help feeling bitter. i mean, i know i am sooooooo better off compared to many people who are MUCH less fortunate. there are people with single parents or even no parents at all. there are people with no homes. no friends. no money. nobody. nothing. and here i am complaining. so i am in a very frustrated mood. i wanna be angry but i shouldn't. i wanna complain but i have no right to. i deserve better, but i honestly do not. it's really hard celebrating x-mas. like thanksgiving, it's just another day.

so i was eating a really late dinner and my mom comes home with her friends. and as i'm eating, they decide to sit at the table and have a conversation with me.

lady: do you know how much your mother loves you? you know how much she loves you right?
me: (busy eating). yeah sure.
lady: she loves you very much. we don't have to tell you that. your mother tells us that all the time.

and believe me, this is not the first time i've heard this stuff before. my mom always makes sure i know that she thinks that she is VERY proud of me. it's very depressing. i feel like she thinks i'm going away forever or something. i think she's going through her menopause thing. i heard those things are supposed to make you really depressed or something. lots of mood swings and stuff right? i don't know. it was just a conversation that i did not feel like having on Christmas Eve.

well, if you can't tell by now, i'm writing in a really unhappy tone at the moment. i had a pretty crappy day yesterday. i felt like i was abandoned, used, and betrayed all at once. i felt like yesterday was such a waste...kinda like "why did yesterday have to happen?" well, i did have some pleasant conversations with different friends but all in all, the day was pretty depressing. if i had to sum it all up in one word, it would have be the word, "fake!" but i was thinking about this while i was driving last night. why are you so unhappy right now? why are alotta small things getting to you? so i pondered and pondered. the best answer i could think of was the fact that i was just plain ol' bored! not just bored at the moment but bored with life in general. everything just kinda sucks. meaningless. pointless. boring. don't worry, this is no suicide note. i'm just doing a little expression therapy with myself. i need to blow some steam on my blog. much wiser than beating up simon or doing some angry driving. i feel so unstable. i feel quite irritated. argh! maybe it's just the fact that it's 5 in the morning. emotions are usually unstable at this hour. man, when am i going to wake up tomorrow?! alrite, that's enough for tonight. time for some sleep therapy.

Thought of the Day: Hi Tiff.
Song of the Day: DJ Sammy-Boys Of Summer